It is not that I am planning that anything in this blog will need censorship (if that's the material you hoped for, you may not find it here) Instead, this blog the place where I hope to put my uncensored thoughts. In other words, lots of unrelated stuff, boring and interesting alike (ok, I admit, mostly boring). So why do I do it? Why do we do anything at all? I just feel like it, and this is good enough reason for me. Well, at least for the time being.
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The tragedy of relationships starts the moment you have lost your ability to keep each other happy, yet maintained the ability to inflict pain and make each other miserable. Once you are there, there is no way back. Step down.
wise words mate...wise words..
the only thing i could add with regard to men is..."And just get over it".
Thanks for the comment it made me smile.
When respect has gone you no longer have a relationship worth keeping. Learn from what went wrong, move on and try to stay friends....
 | ranfuchs [Member] 11/12/07 @ 18:52 |
as you see from other responses. Not everyone here agrees with us
 | Confuddled pro 09/12/07 @ 12:27 |
I think if you have to work hard at trying to keep the other person happy, you're already on that slippery slope. I would therefore reword your first sentance slightly to read "The tragedy of relationships starts the moment you have lost the ability to be happy in each others company,..."
The big trick is to recognise when you are there and to be brave about stepping down. Too often the fear of being "alone" keeps people in relationships which are ultimately destructive.
| ranfuchs [Member] 09/12/07 @ 12:31 |
I don't know how hard you need to work. But sometimes, it can be hard work. Because not everything that happens in relationships is about the relationship, and sometimes things go wrong with your life. Then it can be hard work.
How well are you doing?
| Confuddled pro 09/12/07 @ 12:37 |
There are ups and downs in any relationship and agree that there are times you have to work harder at it. Do think however that deep down you know when you're having to work at the relationship because of what's happening around or whether fundementally you're not happy with the person you're with.
I've taken the brave step.
| ranfuchs [Member] 09/12/07 @ 16:00 |
This is one of the hardest things to go through for anyone. Are you happy with the brave step you have taken? Would you have done it differently?
| Confuddled pro 09/12/07 @ 18:01 |
The relationship in question came to an end in 2002. We'd been together for around 6/7 years. I don't regret the brave step even though the years afterwards have not always been easy. If anything, I think I should have walked away a lot sooner. Having said that, I don't regret anything and he is still a friend.
| ranfuchs [Member] 09/12/07 @ 19:13 |
It sounds as you have been very lucky. To be out of the relationship, to feel good about it, and to keep him as a friend. This is so rare.
I think it is a pity that people don't recognise that they are unhappy sooner rather than later. People tend to struggle on to avoid pain and disapproval or because 'it is better the devil you know', but the longer an unhappy relationship goes on, the more bitter things become become.
| ranfuchs [Member] 09/12/07 @ 19:14 |
Aren't we so good at freezing, even if it the worse thing we can do?
 | Angelwishes pro 09/12/07 @ 22:10 |
Communication is the key... but that is easier said than done once you passed the point of no return... things can turn around but it is rare and never quite the same.~:-(
| ranfuchs [Member] 09/12/07 @ 23:43 |
did you ever pass the point of no return? How did you return from there?
 | RunDontWalk pro http://menomamauk.blog.co.uk 10/12/07 @ 01:15 |
I believe that no one has the ability to make me happy but me. I have learned not to rely on others to make me happy for happiness is an intrinsic emotion. If my husband did something that I disagreed with, I have choices whether I will accept what he has done or not.
Great post.
| ranfuchs [Member] 10/12/07 @ 05:35 |
this is very interesting, and a question I keep asking myself, and yet I have no answer. If you are the one who makes you happy, what is the role of other people in your life? What do they do for you? Why do you need them?
 | fluteofreed [Member] 10/12/07 @ 10:07 |
I ask myself these questions too.
May be we need others in order to grow.
And, by the way, what does it mean "happy"?
Can you be happy all the time?
Will you grow if you are happy all the time?
Are we able to reach the end of our development until we are here on Earth?
| ranfuchs [Member] 10/12/07 @ 19:25 |
I often think about it. But then, sometimes I just enjoy being with other, and I don't think at all. Just enjoy it
 | rubychoo [Member] 11/12/07 @ 01:35 |
How often have you felt that a friendship was lost and yet it wasn't, or that a family tie was broken yet it remains.?
People are complicated, two people are complicated to the power of 10.
Keep talking to each other. Or start to.
| ranfuchs [Member] 11/12/07 @ 05:38 |
personally? nearly never. But its true, it did happen
 | lilamay [Member] http://www.windwand.co.nz 11/12/07 @ 06:06 |
Thanx for the message about my tomato plants, I emailed that website with my questions as nothing seemed to be on the site similar to what was going on with my plant, however I just got an email newsletter and I should imagine they may not respond to just my question..anyway I decided to visit your page and went through your blogs and decided to reply to this one...
You mentioned about how you should once being only able to spit venom towards your partner..move on...
However I am in the senior part of my life 55 and I have a son 23 who lives in Sydney and my husband, his dad, I seperated from when I was oh I dont know about 37..and I was a bit like that I could only spit venom..but you see you get older, and with age comes something a lot different, I think it is wisdom, but you cant put an old head on young shoulders, what I think I am trying to say is that I did not look for the good in kirts father, I was too quick to accept the things that annoyed me, and trust me things annoy people as you know......years down the track I actually realised I had a most wonderful man, however I was too young and silly in my mid 30's to recognise it.
Now of course it is too late and his father moved on and is with another, but I look back and realise my faults, we dont look at our faults when we are young, we are too quick to judge the other, we are too quick to think of that person as inconveniencing 'me'.........I think that young people need like I needed to, just simply take a break, break away for a while and then realise what you have, and I mean a year, I dont mean a week, because you see after a year many paradigms happen, its long enough to see someone else, to fall in love and out of love and realise how great the person you fell for in the first place, really was the one..yes I think a year would be good, however in that year that person himself/herself may move on and then you realise exactly what you have missed, and sometimes its gold, thanx again ..Lila.
| ranfuchs [Member] 11/12/07 @ 06:22 |
Thank you for your message. I completely agree that there are cases that we are just to rush to judge other and believe that we’ll find our happiness somewhere else. We too often don’t appreciate what we have.
On the other hand, I wasn’t talking about blame at all. Often the situation make people just unhappy with each other. I have seen so many that whenever they talk about their partner seem to talk about an enemy. Like they hate going home. They hate being with them. Just the thought about their partners make them miserable.
This is so sad to see.
Sometimes it’s a temporary thing. Due to an event. Often its just the nature of the relationships and the type of people you both are.
Is it fixable? I am sure that in some cases it is. But again, in many cased I have seen that people have a tendency not to take an action, and stay. That is, they don’t actively try to fix it; they don’t leave; they simply stay. Miserably. This is heart breaking, because they hate it.
So maybe I should have said. Take a major action, or leave. Just don’t let yourself be miserable and do nothing about it.
But on the other hand, I may be completely wrong. I am not pretending to know very much, as I am merely an observer, and sometimes I feel so sad when I see how good people, with no ‘real’ reasons put themselves through so such pain.
I hope you find a solution for your tomatoes. Growing plants and see them growing always makes me happy
| lilamay [Member] http://www.windwand.co.nz 11/12/07 @ 10:17 |
Yes I know what you mean about gardening, here is my garden www.windwand.co.nz/organickitchengarden.htm I am building this website off my main website, so that I can give instructions to the locals as to how to grow their own food, because you see I think that the world is not headed into a very good place and I feel everyone should become more self sufficient..about relationships, yes I have seen people in relationships that in effect tear the two 2 peices mentally and emotionally, in fact I have 2 friends he is a builder, she is a health worker, and because they have huge assets between them they simply get drunk as skunks every night and abuse each other, that is their way of staying together so assets do not get divided..thier happiness is shockingly and evidently missing.....I pity both of them in a large way, however they now live in a comfort zone of bitterness and drunkedness, it is the only way they know and in fact I cannot visit them anymore, I realise that there are many people who live like this, at least I know I live in peace, I have my garden and my tourism website, between them they keep me entertained, however I wished my son lived in this country, he is my only child, fortunately I have a large church family, I am a christian you see, and so there is a lot of love between all of us......yes there are good and bad relationships, however I wished like mad that while people are young they have the wisdom to differentiate between the good and the not so good, however that comes with age, I know that when I was young I had very few brain cells to lock together then funnily enough as I got older they multiplied into millions, then they really locked together and pointed me in the right direction before that when younger, the wind took me where it blew......such is life.
| ranfuchs [Member] 11/12/07 @ 19:02 |
Yes, youth is completely wasted on the young, isn't it?
| lilamay [Member] http://www.windwand.co.nz 11/12/07 @ 19:35 |
I dont know if you are being ficitious or not, however yes you are 100% right, thus the saying, 'if only I knew then what I know now'...
A truer saying I have yet to hear, however if I knew then what I know now I would never have had so much fun, my drinking and dope and travelling days would not have existed...and they were fun.... so it cuts both ways..I only have one regret, however that may not even be a regret, rather a reflection.have fun!.
| ranfuchs [Member] 11/12/07 @ 19:58 |
I was not being ficitious at all. I really believe it.
I think that if I knew then what I know now, I would have had even more fun than I did then.
| lilamay [Member] http://www.windwand.co.nz 11/12/07 @ 20:23 |
Ah yes but you are talking confidence and knowledge, when young we dont have confidence, very few do, and we dont have knowledge, that comes with time...
In fact naivity in young is bliss, would we do the hair raising things when young if we knew the true consequences of our actions..rather not I think..it is because we dont know the consequenses that we dont care.....
Once we do start gaining confidence and knowledge then we have to start caring, or we would be total dorks, would we not..its like the environment issues, and the way we shite in our own world nests and then try to ignore the carnage and carry on still ruining the planet, the young dont really realise what is going on so they live in bliss.
The young dont really realise that the world is headed for economic disaster, take a look at the us dollar..they in fact dont realise we are running out of world resources, so therefore they are carefree and happy..they live in bliss, happy ignorant bliss..isnt ignorance bliss....I truly think that may be the case..now I am older and I care about the world, but then I feel sorrow for the world as well, something that would not cross my mind when young.
| ranfuchs [Member] 11/12/07 @ 22:15 |
but don't you think that lots of this lack of confidence is because you always think that you don't know what other are thinking, and that you think its imporant.
For me it was the children that makes you realise that carefree cannot last for ever. All of a sudden I had to care about someone. And once I did that, the rest was natural (though not always welcome)
| lilamay [Member] http://www.windwand.co.nz 11/12/07 @ 23:16 |
Well I guess that all depends on what you parents raised you like in terms of 'good stuff'....I mean any kid that is fed good thinks good and vice versa....
However at the same time we are filled with lots of 'dont knows' but dont admit we dont know, we simply dont know, we cant know because we have not lived long enough to know!...
Instead we act like we know it all, the older we get the harder it hits that in fact we knew nothing, and what is more we knew even less than what we thought..I am gobsmacked at how much I have learned since turning for instance 40, then I am gobsmacked at how much I learned since turning 50..what is more I am even more gobsmacked at how much I know now that I have the internet...now the world is at my finger tips...and knowledge is power, not just power as in the real world but open your eyes power, and once you get to this stage you realise that all those little petty things that you worried about in the 20's 30's and 40's and now the 50's were simply nothing's.......all just nothings..they were in fact back then important....
There is a measure of truth in the action whereby...
A you write down things that worry you, even if they are small, and if they are big then write them down most certainly and put them in a drawer and then try to forget them
B....after a couple of weeks, empty the drawer and you will be horrified at all the things that seemed important and in fact are nearly laughable, because you see all those little worries, or big worries if you just leave them alone they simply go away by themselves..but its age that teaches you that..when you are in your say 30's its overwhelming..in your 50's its a breeze......
| ranfuchs [Member] 13/12/07 @ 19:47 |
it does sound like you are enjoying this age, more than any before. If this is the case, I think it is wonderful. I wish it were true for me too.
| lilamay [Member] http://www.windwand.co.nz 13/12/07 @ 20:52 |
PART TWO (:
So what happens when we dont assume!...
All of a sudden we get on with our jobs without assuming that anyone thinks we are incompetent, we get on with our jobs without our heads being in a space that is consummeed with what others are thinking about, or talking about [that is a biggie]..when young how many people assume a close door and people means that they are talking about me...many!!! in fact the amount of times that people think that someone is talking about them is downright scary!!!!!!!! when in fact you are the last person or thing on others minds..because we think that what we do and say is important...and at the same time they think what they do and say is important...in fact none of us is that important except to our inner selves..!!!!!
All of a sudden our relationships are happier with the opposite sex, because we dont assume that they know I love them, or that anyone is happy, or that they SHOULD KNOW better than to annoy me with this or that, in fact because I have stopped assuming I have got rid of heaps of stuff from my head...I have stopped assuming that he should know better than to think I am automaticazlly the cook and housekeeper, instead because I dont assume anything then I am actually free to communicate on a more open level because I am not now a mind reader..never was a mind reader and guess what NEVER WILL BE A MIND READER..and guess what even more..I dont have the ability to be a mind reader........SO WHERE FROM THERE.
Because I dont assume that I have to keep up with the jones's, because I dont assume that I have to be rich, because I dont assume that everyone thinks I am not successful because I dont have this and that and everything else..I am then left with my own conditions that I put on myself, not others..and then because I dont assume to know anything that anyone expects of me, my EXPECTATIONS BECOME SO SIMPLE, my lifestyle becomes so simple and uncomplicated and so enjoyable that I start to understand what life is all about...nature and simplicity, and just being at one with the feel of the earth on my hands, the smile from the person down the road, and because I am not filled with anger and resentment towards others..I simply cannot help but love everyone for what they are..because now I begin to love me for who and what I am...
| ranfuchs [Member] 13/12/07 @ 21:57 |
but does not assuming stops one from feeling lonely?
| lilamay [Member] http://www.windwand.co.nz 14/12/07 @ 01:35 |
what, I dont get the comment, does assuming not stop someone from feeling lonely.....
Whew where on earth does that come from, whether you are lonely or not does not depend on such thoughts, loneliness is a state of mind, you know that, you can be lonely in New York with thousands of people, loneliness comes from exluding one from society, wow a walk in the park will soon find someone to talk to ..relationships come to those who venture into society, loneliness comes from shutting yourself off from Society,..just think of the huge amount of people who do volunteer work, they do it to get out..clubs are the same, I enjoy being alone because I enjoy being me, have I ever felt lonely..only when I dont make an effort to.....go for a walk, visit the neighbour, voluntarily offer my services, stop growing excess vegetables to give away...if I took all my social contacts away I might feel lonely..why on earth would assumning stop you from being lonely..I dont quite get the jist of that...stop assuming..you just did it with that comment, you assumed a state of mind as a result of assuming an outcome from my words....
| ranfuchs [Member] 14/12/07 @ 09:06 |
You were talking about not assuming as a way of making your life easier, lighter, better.
What I was asking that as there are many other sources of unhappiness comes from a completely different source, like lonliness, sadness, and so many other sources. How do you know that not assuming will treat make you feel better? Maybe assuming can help with the other feelings that come from a different source altogether?
For example, as long as I assume that the neibours want to see me, I go and visit them, and assume that they are happy to have me. Maybe they are not, but as long as I am assuming that, I feel happy.
| lilamay [Member] http://www.windwand.co.nz 14/12/07 @ 09:34 |
Well surely you can go visit the neighbours without assuming they are happy to see you, you actually probably know that they enjoy your company and they have indicated that so you dont have to assume anything, if you knew or it was indicated by someone that they could not stand you, then you dont go there its about knowing a factual thing, or having it communicated to you without assuming, I do many things and visit many people without assuming whether or not they like me or not..I just do it..
I just ran for mayor in our city, without assuming anything I did not get in, I am rather high profile, however the encumbant mayor returned, it was good though to run for mayor and give it a go.
I also run for a council seat and missed out by only 500 votes, I knew I would have a good chance because it was indicated, I only got 6200 votes I needed 6650 to get in so I was pretty close, I did not run because I assumed I would have a chance, comments from the public were a good indicaiton that I would have a chance..
However we are talking a little bit cross purposes here I am talking about non assuming to free up emotion and not be wieghed down by what others think.. or you thinking that they think you should live by thier conditions ?
| lilamay [Member] http://www.windwand.co.nz 13/12/07 @ 21:05 |
PART ONE...the first one dissapeared
So I just looked and you are 37, so therefore your head is still full of emotional garbage.
The biggest lesson in life is to not assume...
We assume everything, we have learned to assume, we have been conditioned to be mind readers.
We assume that the people at work or some of them may be against us or not freindly,
We assume that a look a passing fleeting look may mean other than what it means, which could be that they are coming down with the flu or somehting at home has upset them, but oh no we assume that things are becasuse of us..as if we are that important, we place great importance on assuming how others see us, we assume that if we dont keep up with others that everyone will assume we are lesser people, we assume that he/she knows that I love them, but guess what maybe they assume the same thing and are waiting for communication on that exact thing, we assume the neighbours will think we are slovenly if we dont weed the garden, or fix the fence, the reality is that they have thier own assuming going on about other different matters entirely, we assume that if we dont get good grades at school, the whole family with think we are drop kicks..we assume that if we dont keep up with the latest fashions that others will think we are old fashioned, we assume so much that our heads are full of the most rediculous crap and how much space is left to be happy, we put so many conditions on ourselves simply because of our ability to assume and be supposed mind readers...children at an early age need to learn NOT TO ASSUME.....not to mind read, not to think that they know...but oh no even from an early age, we get together and start talking and assuming amongst ourselves and 9 times out of 10 what we are assuming is so far off the mark its not funny....
IF YOU LEARN NOT TO ASSUME, NOT TO SECOND GUESS, NOT TO MIND READ...then we learn to empty our heads, we learn emotionall freedom...!!
| lilamay [Member] http://www.windwand.co.nz 13/12/07 @ 20:37 |
Well at your age, which I just looked 37 I was still an emotional basket case, we all are, however there is only one way to get out of it...
NEVER ASSUME:
When young we assume we know, we asume we know what people are thinking and that is particularly true in relationships, women always say that lack of communication is the bug bearer in a relationship, however that is not true, it is because we are all assuming we know, what the boss thinks, what the neighbour thinks, what others think of us, we assume so many things and guess what 100% of those things are a waste of energy, a waste of human life...so therefore if we go through life, not assuming, then guess what we go through life without a worry....how long did it take me to learn that..it seems like forever....I mean if you are in the company of someone and they get out of sorts, we assume that it is us, if someone walks in the door in a bad mood, we are thinking what did I do...whereas if in fact you just carry on with life as you were before that person walked in the door, you would be much better off..but oh no we have to start assuming, we assume till the cows come home and it is a human trait that is needed to be addressed when young, because it frees us up emotionally to be whole people. the most dangerous thing of all is that we assume that THEY KNOW!!!....WE ASSUME that just because we realise something that they should and that is so true in a relationship...so can you see what happens if WE DONT ASSUME!!!!!!!!
| ranfuchs [Member] 13/12/07 @ 21:54 |
I think I understand what you are saying, but can YOU really not assume?
| lilamay [Member] http://www.windwand.co.nz 14/12/07 @ 01:26 |
Yes but it takes self discipline, just like being positive, no different, and after only one week, just like being positive it will begin to come naturally.
However you should spend 24 hours and mentally note how often you assume or second guess what people are thinking, or what is going to happen, in fact its like training yourself as well to speak only when necessary, people waffle on in the company of people out of insecurity mostly, they dont like just silence, however silence is golden you know that...who sung that ..anyway so if you think about what you say, you would actually realise that we speak far too often, better to speak little and be making sense than open your mouth and talk small talk, its a learning curve...once grasped though its life changing..
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09/12/07 @ 10:03